


Misogynist Mating Rituals

by Nny



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-05
Updated: 2011-06-05
Packaged: 2017-10-20 04:26:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/208711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nny/pseuds/Nny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“Art thou a witch, oh lay?”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Misogynist Mating Rituals

**Author's Note:**

> For Linnpuzzle

Someone, Adam wasn't entirely sure who, had insisted this be done properly. It definitely hadn't been Pepper, who'd protested about misogynist mating rituals and ridiculous clothing traditions and the needless waste of money that could be better spent on Worthy Causes, and that was only when he'd _asked_ her. If anyone'd mentioned him not seeing her beforehand she would've pitched a _fit_ , and it'd been hard enough convincing her to go in the first place.

It wasn't like they were getting married, or anything, it was just a University ball; but either Brian or Wensleydale had decided to live vicariously through him and sent him off to Brian's friend Melissa's house to get changed, so he could pick her up _properly_. Never mind the fact that they lived in the same flat. Now he stood in his own living room feeling completely out of place in his best suit, shifting uncomfortably and fiddling with his dad's cufflinks.

Wensleydale was cooking something that smelt bloody brilliant in the kitchen, but his stomach was churning entirely too hard to even consider eating anything. Brian was on the sofa, watching Eastenders upside down with the sound off, because he said it made a lot more sense that way. Loud and angry girlrock was pounding from Pepper's room, and it was making Adam increasingly nervous.

"You look very pretty, Ads." Brian's voice was solemn but he was smiling, inverted grin and sparkling eyes, his long legs thrown over the back of the sofa. Adam stuck his tongue out, feeling about five years old, because he was pretty sure if he attempted to give his friend the finger he wouldn't be able to make his hand stop shaking. And that was fuel for at least four years of teasing, with Brian.

It wasn't his first date, or anything. He'd been out with loads of girls, and he hadn't even been _trying_. If he'd wanted to he could have, it was still there in the back of his head somewhere but that way lay madness and badness and the end of the world. And over the years he'd become pretty fond of it, really. He still kept a bit of an eye on Lower Tadfield, always in the back of his mind, because he was pretty sure that it was heaven for old people as well as kids, and if he thought about it he'd think he'd want to retire there. And if he thought about it he'd think he'd want to see his grandkids there but that was _definitely_ in the back of his mind just in case Brian'd perfected his jedi mind tricks like he'd always threatened. But everything else had to take care of itself, that was the point.

"Ignore the idiot behind the curtain, Adam." Wensleydale appeared in the kitchen door, two high-piled steaming plates in his hands. Brian spasmed as if shot, unmatching socks drumming against his Bob Marley poster, and rolled off the sofa to collapse face down on the floor.

"You wound me!" His voice was muffled in the carpet, and Wensleydale affectionately nudged him in the ribs with his foot as he settled himself onto the sofa, grinning all over his round face. Brian writhed for a bit, John Woo swan song slow-mo death, then slithered back onto the sofa and claimed his dinner. Wensleydale handed him a fork and patted him affectionately on the head, then looked up at Adam and told him there was plenty more in the kitchen, if he wanted it. There was always loads of extra food, when Wensley was cooking, even with his portly frame and the amount Brian had to eat to fuel his intense hyperactivity.

Adam wasn't actually sure when it'd struck him that Brian and Wensley were… well, BrianandWensley. It wasn't like they made a big deal of it, or anything, they acted pretty much how they'd always acted but that was kind of the point. It'd always been there, almost, like it was something that was just waiting to happen all along.

A childish voice echoed in his head, " _it'd be me an' Adam against Brian an' Wensley,_ " and he surreptitiously crossed his fingers.

The normality of their bickering through dinner, the familiarity of Wensleydale's expression as Brian talked with his mouth full and got spaghetti sauce all over his T-shirt was enough to allow Adam to stop fidgeting restlessly and sit himself down on the armchair with the broken arm. It creaked alarmingly, and Brian snickered at the noise. Same way he did every day. And then the chair creaked even more as Adam jumped out of his skin at the muffled yell of rage that came from Pepper's bedroom.

Brian was ferociously masticating and humming along with the theme of Dr Who, determined to ignore all outside stimulus, so Adam looked at Wensleydale slightly desperately. His friend rolled his eyes and heaved himself to his feet, going over to knock lightly on Pepper’s door. Something smashed against the wall, inside, and Wensley took a deep breath and set his shoulders before going in and shutting the door behind him. The music volume lowered fractionally and Brian grinned at Adam, ignoring Christopher Eccleston’s enormous ears in favour of looking him up and down.

“I wasn’t kidding, actually, Ads. You’ll pass. And it’s only Pepper, you don’t have to jiggle.” The blond boy consciously stopped his leg from bouncing. “Actually, you know what would be cool? We could attach you to, like, a dynamo thing and run the TV off you.” And then he started cackling, pulled his hat down over his eyes. “Oh god, mental image, environmentally friendly porn cinemas and my head is in the _bad place_!”

Adam choked, laughing madly, and then his voice died. Just like that. Because the door to Pepper’s bedroom had opened and he didn’t know what he’d been expecting but…

She was wearing a dress. A black dress that was a little above her ankles, a little above the enormous boots that made her look like a kid playing dress-up in her parents clothes combined, and she had make up on and her hair was pulled back but little wisps of red had escaped and she looked bloody _furious_. Adam swallowed, hard, as she advanced on him.

“If you think for one bloody second I’ll be changing my shoes for you, Adam Young, you’ve got another think coming. High heels are ridiculous and painful and just another bloody symbol of the patriarchy inherent in the system because-” he looked at Wensley, behind Pepper’s back, who was mouthing something about her falling over, it looked like. “Are you even _listening_ to me?”

“I’m listening!” He got to his feet. “Patriarchy, women wouldn’t have designed because they’re idiotic, impractical and unhealthy. Misogyny?” It was a pretty safe bet, even though he hadn’t been paying attention. She settled, slightly, folding her arms but looking mollified. He reached out to pull a hair away that had got stuck to her cheek, and all of a sudden he was bloody _terrified_.

He’d been out with girls before but this wasn’t a girl, this was _Pepper_ , only it wasn’t quite the Pepper he knew. She was there, somewhere, under the unpractised makeup and the pretty dress; something in the quick smile she relented enough to give said she’d climb trees with him as soon as he asked, dress be damned. And something in her eyes said she’d kick him in the shins if he kept gaping at her like that, and her boots were pretty enormous, so he handed her the flowers he’d brought, trying to get some moisture back into his mouth.

He was worried he’d explode, or pass out, or something.

He barely even noticed Brian helpfully pushing his mouth closed.

Wensley grabbed Brian’s hand and dragged him into his bedroom, the taller boy dragging his feet and giving him exaggerated thumbs-ups behind Pepper’s back, and then there was the slam of a door and it was just the two of them. And his hand was shaking, as he carefully pushed stray flyaway hairs from her face, but she was chewing her lip too, so it wasn’t just him, and the fact that they were in this together made him feel a little better. Made it feel _right_. He smiled slowly.

“Art thou a witch, oh lay?”

Pepper snorted, her snub nose wrinkling up, and nodded. And Adam thought _you’re not supposed to say yes_ , but he didn’t say anything.

There were better things he could be doing.


End file.
